‘Stealthing’ – that is, the act of surreptitiously removing a condom during sex without affirmative consent – is sexual assault. It’s not an inconsequential fantasy someone decides to enact between the sheets on a whim, nor is it a harmless way for someone to increase their own erotic sensitivity and pleasure. It’s certainly not a solitary decision made without regard for one’s sexual partner or their right to bodily autonomy. And yet, almost one in five gay and bisexual men in Melbourne have experienced it.

When visiting sex-on-premises (SoP) venues, I grew accustomed to the sting felt by others when I rejected their offer to eschew condoms during sex. It was a particular kind of sting, laced with entitlement, wounded pride, and aggression; much like an angry child on a 35-degree day, whose mother won’t buy him another ice-cream to replace the one he allowed to melt in his hands. Some men would react respectfully to my insistence on using a condom, others would roll their eyes and curse before leaving our makeshift bedroom inside the venue. On more than one occasion, they would try to proceed regardless, pushing behind me in the hopes that I’d either concede or assume they had grabbed some latex from the small plastic tub attached to the wall.

It was a form of sexual assault, and trying to do it covertly via stealthing didn’t negate this.